Communication Quarrels

Christians fight about everything these days. Christian parents argue about how to raise the kids and spend money. Church members bicker about how to vote in the presidential election. Denominational leaders fight about the best way to pursue abuse reform. Even biblical counselors debate which practitioners are most infected with worldly thinking.

All communication has at least two sides: the speaker and the listener. My words here are about the responsibility we all have to listen well. The Bible says we must “Be quick to hear and slow to speak” (James 1:19). This passage requires all Christians to slow down and truly understand what someone is saying before we respond and make matters worse.

Here are five personal questions to help all of us be better listeners.

1. Is the person communicating within biblical bounds?

This question might be harder to answer than you’re tempted to think. It is good and right that we obey passages commanding us to speak the truth in love and to answer matters with gentleness (Ephesians 4:15; Proverbs 15:1). But the biblical message controlling our speech is more complex than this.

Consider the words of Jesus. Two verses before he let his listeners know they would be judged for every careless word they speak (Matthew 12:36), he referred to those same people as a brood of vipers (Matthew 12:34)! If almost any Christian preacher alive did the same thing, he would be harangued by a slew of social media trolls accusing him of hypocrisy and a lack of graciousness. Such condemnation would miss the point that the biblical bounds of communication are often broader than our contemporary culture allows.

It is unwise to moralize our communicative preferences. A person’s failure to communicate in our preferred way is different than falling short of God’s commands.

2. Does the person communicating have a reputation for biblical faithfulness?

When someone communicates in ways we don’t like, one of the easiest responses is to jump to the conclusion of being offended. But careful listening demands more of wise Christians.

That demand begins with a consideration of the speaker. A reputation for communicative faithfulness is built up over time in the context of relationship. A person with a reputation for explosive rhetoric, courting controversy, and blunt overstatement deserves a suspicious ear. A person with a track record of winsomeness and care in communication deserves a charitable ear.

When a person like that surprises with a strong word, it is wise to listen very carefully. Jesus established a reputation for gentleness, humility, and being full of truth and grace (Matthew 11:29; John 1:14). When he blows into the temple turning over tables with a whip, we are wise to slow down and ask why such a man is this upset.

The point is that when a person with a reputation for faithfulness sounds the alarm, the wisest course is to listen long and hard before getting upset.

3. Do I understand who the person communicating is speaking to?

In the Bible communication is not one-size fits all. The same act of communication that is appropriate in one context is completely inappropriate in another. Much of that context has to do with who the speaker is addressing.

For example, with the woman at the well, Jesus is clear and firm to be sure (John 4:17-18). But he is also gentle, slow, solicitous, and inviting. On the other hand, when Jesus speaks to the religious leaders of his day, his rhetoric is explosive and condemnatory. In Matthew 23, he calls them “hypocrites” (23:13), “blind fools” (23:17), and “whitewashed tombs” (23:27).

Jesus exemplifies the communicative principle that educated religious leaders who teach error are not entitled to the same tenderness and patience as those they lead astray. We listen well when we note who speakers are addressing and observe them using gentler words for confused sheep and stronger words for people who should know better.

4. Do I understand what the person communicating is saying?

Sometimes, our communication conflicts flow from misunderstanding.

Nicodemus experienced a failure of understanding when Jesus told him he must be born again. Nicodemus said, “How can a man be born when he is old? Can he enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born?” (John 3:4). Nicodemus’s absurd response comes because he began speaking before he possessed understanding.

We should never respond to communication until we are certain we have understood it.

5. Is the person communicating something that corrects me?

Wise listening is also complicated by our own arrogance.

I mentioned the hard words Jesus had for the religious leaders of his day. His words of correction were fiery and fierce. They were also compassionate and correct. The religious leaders should have humbled themselves and repented. But they didn’t. The next time we read about them, they are plotting to kill Jesus, whose stern words could have been their rescue if they would have softened their hearts and listened (Matthew 26:3-4).

Sometimes the reason we are upset by someone’s communication is not because they are wrong, but because we are. Before responding, we should pray, ask God to search our hearts, and be willing to repent.

Moving Forward with Humility

Communication is one of the toughest things human beings ever do. The questions posted here could never eliminate our conflicts. But they can help us to grow in the wisdom and care of listening well. In days full of disagreement, that would be a remarkable blessing.