Why Am I Afraid of Submission?

I suspect I’m not alone when I say that sometimes I am afraid of submission. Why is that? In a word, fear. But before I tell you my particular brand of fear, let’s start with a brief discussion on submission.

As a believer in Jesus Christ, I am to submit to God himself. James says, “Submit yourselves therefore to God” (James 4:7). This command comes on the heels of James’ discussion on warring passions and desires in our hearts and the dangers of being a friend of the world. Submission to God, then, is acknowledging his authority and arranging myself under his will for me.

Biblical submission is also an expression of trusting the Lord. Listen to the warning from Proverbs 3:5: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” The author is contrasting trusting God with leaning on my own understanding. When I trust the Lord, I’m submitting to his way instead of insisting on my own, and that trust is firmly rooted in his character as sovereign, wise, and supremely good. I ought to submit myself to God because he’s eminently trustworthy.

As a wife, the Bible gives me clear instruction: “Wives, be subject (submit) to your own husbands” (1 Peter 3:1), and “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. . . so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Ephesians 5:22, 24). Notice that my submission to my husband ought to flow from my submission to the Lord. Just prior to his instruction to wives, Paul says that all believers are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21). Biblical submission as a wife, therefore, means that I follow my husband and arrange myself under his leadership and yield to him as he leads our family, just as I submit to the Lord’s authority over me. All this should be an overflow of my reverence to Christ.

Notice, also, that the Bible doesn’t tell me to submit to my husband only when I agree with his decisions or I’m feeling warm and fuzzy about him. No, I am to submit as to the Lord. I don’t negotiate with the Lord on obedience because for the believer obedience is a privilege, not a burden (1 John 5:3). Similarly, unless my husband is leading me into sin, my job as a wife is to joyfully, humbly, and obediently yield to his leadership over me, trusting in God’s good providence and gift of my husband.

So why would I ever fear this command to submit?

I’ll illustrate with a story. It was a long road we walked in order to get to Jacksonville to serve at First Baptist. From the initial phone call in September to our feet touching Florida soil the next October, it was around 13 months of waiting. What was harder for me than waiting on the Lord’s timing, though, was the part that we couldn’t discuss this opportunity with very many people. Our senior pastor knew, as well as the other staff pastors, but that was it.

My wise husband’s reasoning for not letting too many people in on this (potential) news made complete sense, of course. First, we didn’t even know yet if we would be moving. We were simply in the candidacy process and seeing where the Lord would lead. Second, he thought that if people knew we were considering and exploring a possible new ministry position, it could compromise his ministry effectiveness. He wisely understood that people might think he already had one foot out the door and wouldn’t be as focused on ministry as he was previously.

Those are great reasons, right? They were grounded in wisdom and love for others. And I’m ashamed to say that wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted to so badly to tell my friends. I wanted to have others share in our excitement. I wanted to be able to pray with my church family and see where God would lead. I don’t think any of those are necessarily bad reasons, but they were all about what I wanted.

I fought him tooth and nail with reason, tears, and pleas. I felt utterly justified in what I wanted because they were not bad reasons! And yet I was miserable. I sinfully thought my husband was not being loving and kept questioning within myself why he was unable to see things from my perspective. Well, he was absolutely loving and patient, and did see things from my perspective and decided, as the spiritual leader of our marriage and home, that we should still not tell others.

Now, I didn’t go against his desires and blab our news to 350 people, but I was far from submissive. Why? For the sinful reason that I was afraid of not getting what I wanted. I feared submission because it meant my will not being done. And as I reflected on my response and fear, the Lord revealed my ultimate lack of trust in God and his care for me.

In the Bible, fear and trust in the Lord are often contrasted. Isaiah says that trust in God and his character replaces fear (Isaiah 12:2). The Psalmist tells us that when we trust in the Lord, our hearts are steadied against bad news and therefore we don’t need to be afraid (Psalm 112:6–8). David displays great trust in the face of capture by the enemy when he says, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you (Psalm 56:3).” Sinful fear should drive God’s people to trust in him.

Isaiah 26:3–4 is also helpful to think through when it comes to fear—even fearing not getting what I want as I’m called to submit to my husband:

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”

Isaiah was prophesying to a group of people who were in the middle of an exile to a foreign enemy nation, which certainly qualifies as horrifying and fearful circumstances. And yet, he’s saying that if these people were to keep their hearts and minds focused on their eternal God instead of circumstances, they would have perfect peace. Imagine that! Perfect peace, a lack of fear, was available to the one who trusted the Lord even amid forced exile to a nation filled with evil and brutal people.

If perfect peace were available to the nation Israel under such circumstances, surely it would have been available to me under conditions I didn’t want that were really not so bad. Where I went wrong was not trusting the Lord and his good design for me as a wife: submission to my husband. God set this authority structure in place because he knows it’s best for me. If I had trusted the Lord in our moving situation, I would have been happy to yield to my husband and not have been afraid of losing what I wanted.

If you, like me, are sometimes afraid of submission because you might not get what you want, remember that your fear is meant to drive you to trust in the Lord more than in your circumstances, and that trust results in perfect peace.

This blog was written by Jen Trzeciak.