Using Your Words to Dampen the Fires of Conflict

A wise man once said, “Where two or three are gathered, there’s a conflict waiting to happen.” The truth of this statement is borne out by the fact that you are a sinner, and I am a sinner—and the fundamental nature of sin is selfishness. I want what I want, and you want what you want, and 99.9% of the time, those desires don’t align. As a result, we often end up fighting for what we want—and most of the time, that fight shows up in our words.

However, Jesus tells us, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9). The followers of Christ are to be skilled at resolving conflict. Being a peacemaker is a characteristic of God’s children because that’s who God is. He is the ultimate peacemaker who sent his Son to put an end to the hostility between us. We were the ones who were separated from God and engaged in rebellious acts against him, thus deserving his wrath. But God, who is rich in grace and mercy, sent His Son to shed His blood so that, through Christ, we might be reconciled to God—no longer objects of His wrath, but recipients of His love.

This tremendous peace we now have with God is the foundation upon which we can be at peace with each other. God, the original peacemaker, has given us great instructions in his word for how we can follow his example in reconciliation. The Bible calls us to repent from sinful communication and start using our words to dampen the fires of conflict. James 1:19 provides a simple three-step process to decrease tension to move toward conflict resolution. As the peacemaking children of God, we are to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Quick to Hear

James is not interested in making sure that sound waves are impacting our eardrums correctly so that we can perceive the noises other people make when they speak. What James is concerned about is that we listen in order to comprehend what is being communicated. It has been said that the reason why God made us with two ears and only one mouth is because he wants us to listen twice as much as we speak. Even though we cannot go to chapter and verse to validate that statement, there is wisdom in prioritizing understanding over the desire to be understood. Proverbs 18:13 says, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”

There have been times when I have found myself in a heated discussion with someone, and while the other person is speaking, in my mind I am formulating my response. At that moment, my attention is more focused on what I am going to say rather than trying to understand what the other person is saying. In other words, I think my words are more important than their words. The result is often that my words are disconnected from what has just been communicated, and my response makes the conflict worse because I have been the fool who answered before I heard. James is giving us a practical way to love our neighbor as ourselves by considering the words of others as more important than our words.

Slow to Speak

Being slow to speak is not ultimately about the cadence of our words or the speed with which we talk, although these elements are involved. When it comes time for us to open our mouths, we need to show wisdom and patience. Again, a look at Proverbs helps us here. “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (Proverbs 10:19), and particularly when in conflict, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (15:1).

After we have done the important work of hearing the words of others, we need to make sure that our words move us closer to reconciliation. There are a few practical things we can do. The first way is to make sure we do not interrupt when someone else is speaking. We all know the frustration of being cut off mid-sentence, so make sure to wait until the other person is done before you speak. Second, become skilled at asking questions for clarification. “When in doubt, find it out” is a good phrase to keep in mind. Third, grow in the wisdom to know what to say, but more importantly of what not to say. We should learn to ask ourselves this question about what we say: Is it true, kind, and necessary? Is what I am about to say honest? Can I say it in a way that is gracious? Is this the best time to say this, or should I say it at all? These provide good guardrails for knowing what and when to speak.

Slow to Anger

What James says here is very similar to what Paul says in Ephesians 4:26, “​​Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Both men give room for righteous anger, but both also include a warning since anger can quickly turn sinful. Paul warns us that sinful anger leaves the door open for the devil to work (Ephesians 1:27), while James tells us, “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). Proverbs 15:18 says, “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife.” Bottom line, we must fight against the temptation to be sinfully angry because anger makes contention worse.

Instead of getting sinfully angry, James exhorts us to have the type of communication that is pure, gentle, reasonable, and merciful (3:17), while Paul instructs us, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). These qualities douse the flames of contention and bring peace to our troubled relationships.

When people gather, conflict is inevitable because sinners will sin against each other. Because you and I selfishly want what we want, our words often create conflict and separation. However, the God of all peace sent his son so that we can be at peace with him and with each other, and as his peacemaking children, may we be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.