The Fear of Being Misunderstood

It has been said that the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place, meaning that communication is difficult and it often does not happen the way we expect. We live in a sinful world and we are imperfect people, so it is inevitable that there will be communication problems and misunderstandings. Being misunderstood can bring out many emotions. We get angry thinking the other person just isn’t listening or afraid that our friendship might be in jeopardy.

Are you afraid of being misunderstood? Where does that fear come from, and how can we deal with it biblically? There are many ways to approach these issues, but we will look at two main areas: the demand for control and the need for acceptance. While these are not the only reasons why the fear of being misunderstood could arise, these two issues are the most likely culprits.

The Demand for Control

The demand for control traces back to the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve believed the lie that if they ate the fruit, they would be like God (Genesis 3:5). Ever since that moment, mankind has been in an endless pursuit of trying to be God and control everything about our lives. We want things to happen exactly the way we want when we want. This includes our communication.

As we engage in conversation, we put time and effort into using specific words to convey specific messages so that the other person knows exactly what we mean. However, when we are misunderstood, this means that something we want is not happening, and our sinful tendency is to think that the problem lies with the hearer and not with us as the speaker. This is when frustration creeps in and we think “why can’t they get it?”

Yet mutual understanding is outside of our control. No matter what words we use or the tone we adopt, we cannot dictate what someone else understands. This can lead to a fear that the other person may have a distorted view of who we are. Thus we want to control not only the course of the conversation, but also the way they think about us. This is closely connected to the second problem: the need for acceptance.

The Need for Acceptance

The first thing that needs to be said is that a desire for acceptance is not a bad thing. There are many Proverbs that speak of how to have good relationships, and there are many examples throughout the Bible of good friendships. God has made us for relationships. So, in a sense, being accepted is part of how we were created. The problem comes when the desire for acceptance becomes something we believe is the only way to be happy. The Bible calls this people pleasing (Galatians 1:10).

People pleasing, also known as “the fear of man,” is when we are more concerned about the opinion of others than what God says about us. We see this in numerous places in the Bible. Aaron made the golden calf due to the pressure of the people in the wilderness (Exodus 32:1-6). King Herod beheaded John the Baptist to save face in front of his dinner guests (Matthew 14:6-11). And Peter was condemned when he drew back from the Gentiles over fear of the Jews (Galatians 2:12). Proverbs 29:25 says, “The fear of man lays a snare,” because it is a sin that leads to more sin.

This fear is such a temptation because we want people to think the best of us, not the worst, and the fear is that they start interacting with us based upon inaccurate assumptions of who we are. This may lead us to think that our value is based more upon their perception rather than our identity in Christ.

The Hope of Christ

In the times when we are afraid of being misunderstood, the best place to look is to Christ. He suffered the ultimate form of misunderstanding, hatred, and rejection (Isaiah 53:3). Yet while he suffered mistreatment, he continued to entrust himself to the Father who judges justly (1 Peter 2:23). Jesus gives us an example to follow and the power to perform what it looks like to be single-minded in pleasing the Lord and not man. We can also look to his Word for insights on how to biblically deal with being misunderstood in three areas.

1. First, we need to trust the Lord when it comes to our communication, which looks like seeking to be obedient to him in the way we communicate. Proverbs 3:5-6 is a familiar passage that reminds us that we need to trust in the Lord and not lean on our own understanding. We need to be convinced that God’s way is best and trust him with the results of our communication.
2. Second, we ought to be gracious listeners. Ephesians 4:1-3 tells us that we need to be humble, gentle, and patient as we bear with one another in love. This is a way for us to do unto others as we would have them do unto us (Matthew 7:12). When we listen well, we are seeking to understand others, and the more we understand others, the better chance we have to respond in ways that can be understood.
3. Third, we need to speak the truth in love, seeking to use our words to encourage, build up, and give grace to others (Ephesians 4:15, 29). The Lord wants us to be clear, honest, and kind so that others are pointed to Jesus and grow in Christ. This does not guarantee that our words will be understood or accepted, but we can trust that the Lord will do with them what seems best to him.

Communication is a challenge. As long as we are sinners who live in a sinful world, we will struggle with misunderstandings. But we can be thankful that we serve a gracious God who forgives our sins in communication and helps us strive to love our neighbor through our words.