Navigating Uncomfortable and Difficult Conversations

The Inevitability of Difficult Conversations

In 2015, I started my own business. Starting this business came with all the fun and exciting experiences one would expect: the thrill of unlimited possibilities, the grind of “find a way or make a way, ” and the freedom of being one’s own boss.

But it wasn’t long until the harder and less thrilling realities came along – the greatest of these being uncomfortable and difficult conversations. Suddenly, I found myself having to tell team members, “Your performance is lacking, and you need to step it up.” Then, of course, the most difficult of all: “This isn’t working anymore, and I have to let you go.”

Whether you own a business, are an employee, or have a roommate, these types of difficult conversations are inevitable for everyone. Marriages have moments, families have feuds, and friends have faults that will require us to say hard things.

Navigating Difficult Conversations

When those inevitable and difficult conversations arise, here are two biblical principles to help guide you:

1. The Motivation is Love

In the book of 1 Corinthians, we get the famous “love chapter.” First Corinthians 13:4-7 tells us many of the characteristics of love. We find that love is patient, kind, not arrogant, not irritable, hopes all things, endures all things, and does not insist on its own way.

However, tucked away in this book is another verse about love. It’s found in 1 Corinthians 16:14 and says:

“Let all that you do be done in love.”

Celebrating a birthday or anniversary? Let it be done in love. Encouraging a kid who just lost a t-ball game? Let it be done in love. Washing dishes at home for the third time today? Let it be done in love. About to have a hard conversation with someone? Let it be done in love.

This command for everything to be done in love demands a heart check before having hard conversations. Some need this heart check because they are fearful heading into a difficult conversation. Often, this fear is characterized by concern for what others will think of you. On the other hand, some need this heart check because hard conversations become an easy avenue to tell someone what you think.

Regardless of your temptations, everyone can help a conversation be pleasing to the Lord by ensuring their heart is motivated by love. A great way to ensure it is motivated by love is through prayer.

Father, would you help me to love Joe? I have hard things that I need to say to him. Help me to put off fear and remember that it’s loving for me to say what I’m going to say. OR help me to put off this frustration I feel toward him and give me a loving and compassionate heart toward him.

Let every hard conversation be done in love. Therefore, let every hard conversation start with an evaluation of your heart through prayer.

2. The Measure is Truth

In hard conversations, we are motivated by love, but we also have a standard for what we say. That measure is truth. In Ephesians 4:15, we read:

“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ.”

What Paul has in mind here is not so much the idea of true versus false. Instead, he is talking about speaking biblically. For a hard conversation to be necessary, two things must be true. First, that you are concerned in some way. Second, that those concerns be based on biblical truth.

This does not mean that hard conversations necessarily need to quote lots of Scripture. However, it does mean that they should be marked less by your personal opinions and more by biblical principles.

For example, in college, I lived in a house with seven other guys. The number of times the trash can would overflow, and the dirty dishes would pile up, were innumerable. There were times when I would overlook these issues by just taking the trash out yet again. However, a time came when I needed to talk to my roommates about this problem. I didn’t come to them with my Bible open to Proverbs 6:6-8 and call them “sluggards”. However, they were being lazy, and I did need to address this issue of laziness. In that moment, what was called for was simply letting them know this was an issue, that it needed to stop, and they needed to get it together. What they didn’t need at the moment was an exposition on Proverbs 6. So even though I wasn’t using the Bible to explain the issue, my concern for them was informed by biblical principles.

While not every hard conversation requires quoting Bible verses, you should look for biblical principles that support the need for the conversation, and these become the measure or standard.

Let every hard conversation be measured by biblical principles and not your personal opinions.

A Difficult Conversation Made Right

All those years ago when I started the business, by far, the most difficult conversation I had was the first time I had to let someone go. I agonized over the decision for days, I stumbled over the words in the moment, and I felt sick to my stomach after it was over. Even though I had worked through prayer to orient my heart toward love, I knew that this one conversation would fundamentally and forever change the relationship with this person – and it did.

Five years passed with little interaction between me and this individual. One day, I was sitting in a meeting when I got a surprising text. This person contacted me, checked on me and my family, and then surprisingly asked for my forgiveness. After confessing that they had harbored anger over the years, they wanted to know if I would forgive them for this anger. With joy, I forgave them.

While difficult conversations are never easy and their outcomes are never guaranteed, when we pursue them in love and base them on truth, the result is often peace. Sometimes that peace is immediate; other times, it takes years. But navigating difficult conversations in the way God’s Word instructs us is guaranteed to please him—and often, the result will surprise us.