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First Thoughts

In-Laws Relationships: Marriage Comes With Extra Family

College football is a really big deal! When the fall season is upon us, there are very few things that capture more of the attention of our country than this great sport. One of the most important things fans obsess over is the ranking system. Which team will be #1? Is it Alabama? Is it Ohio State? Or might it even be our beloved Gators? People care about the rankings because being #1 means that you are the best.

Ranking Your Relationships: Getting the Order Right

When it comes to our family relationships, especially with the extra members who come with a marriage, there is also a ranking system. It is important to realize that one relationship is most important and that all others are to fall in line accordingly.

Coming in at #1 is our relationship with the Lord. It is always good to be reminded that we are to do all to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). When we are interacting with family members, we are to act in such a way that shows we believe God is most important. One way we show this is by manifesting the Christ-like qualities of love, grace, kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness in all our conversations and relationships (Colossians 3:12-14).

Relationship #2 is the one with our spouse. Marriage is meant to be the greatest, most intimate, and, therefore, the most important human relationship. For the parent, the bond with their children is never to eclipse the union of husband and wife. But for the child, something changes on the wedding day. When a man says, “I do,” there is a transition where mom stops being the most important woman in his life, and his wife starts being the most important. When a woman gets married, the same transition happens where dad is no longer the number one man, but her husband is.

Then, at #3 is the parent-child relationship. When a child gets married, parents no longer have the same authority and influence they once had. Can parents still have influence? Of course. Do children still have the responsibility to honor their parents? Absolutely. But with marriage comes the reality that a child will often need to respectfully say “no” to mom and dad so that he or she can say “yes” to their spouse, and parents will need graciously to accept that they have now taken the back seat.

This ranking system is vital to the flourishing of in-law relationships. Many hearts have been broken, and much damage is done when these priorities go awry. However, by God’s grace, there can be an abundance of love and joy when these relationships are in the right order.

Leaving and Cleaving for Both Parents and Child

In Genesis 2:24, Moses wrote, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Jesus quotes this passage in Matthew 19, and Paul also references this statement in Ephesians 5. What each of these biblical writers makes clear is that in marriage, there is a separation that takes place away from one’s family of origin. The child is to leave, and the parents are left.

This departure is both good and hard, but it is also necessary. It is good because marriage is God’s design, and the process of leaving and cleaving is the charge that God gives and the means by which he intends marriages to be established. Therefore, it is a matter of obedience and an aspect of living to the glory of God. When done well, leaving and cleaving brings honor to God’s name and blessing to his people.

We also need to acknowledge that leaving and cleaving is hard. For twenty-plus years, children have been recipients of their parents’ love and dependent upon their provision. And parents have intensely loved and sacrificed much for the well-being of their children. This arrangement is not easily undone. Children find it difficult to let go of familiar means of support, and parents struggle when they realize that their help is mostly not needed or wanted and a piece of their identity is now gone.

Yet, I think we can all agree that leaving and cleaving is necessary. One of the main jobs of a parent is to work themselves out of a job. For the child, one of their main goals is to become a fully functioning adult away from mom and dad. Marriage, then, is a wonderful sign that a vitally important job of a parent has been accomplished and that a significant life goal of a child has been achieved.

Holding Your Expectations With An Open Hand

When a man and a woman get married, the spouse gets a new set of parents, and parents welcome a new son or daughter. Every family comes with a long history, various traditions, and a host of expectations for the future. Marriage is the joyous beginning of a new family, starting a new story establishing new traditions yet with many connections to the old. This collision of the old with the new creates numerous relational challenges. Holidays, raising children, and living locations are just a few of the issues to navigate between in-laws.

Holding expectations with an open hand means joyfully accepting that God might not give you what you want, give you something you do not want, or take something you once possessed. Most issues that come between in-laws are not sin issues but preference issues. Yet when preferences are turned into demands, sin has entered in, resulting in relational damage. In-law relationships, then, provide the perfect opportunity to have the mind of Christ, which calls us to do nothing out of selfishness but to be humble and consider the interests of others (Philippians 2:3-5).

Good and godly in-law relationships that are full of sweetness and joy can be a reality when we hold these two truths in balance. We are to love and serve, willing to let go of our expectations. At the same time, we are also to keep our relationships in the right order. A wise combination of these biblical dynamics helps us to answer the who, what, when, and how of godly interactions with all those we are united to through marriage. I am so thankful for how the Lord has provided great in-law relationships in my family, and I pray that he will do the same for you!


Ryan Trzeciak (DMin, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary) serves First Baptist Church as the Director of First Counseling.

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